4 Ways to Stop Self-Criticism - How to Stop Judging Yourself
Why do we judge ourselves so harshly?
How often do you find yourself thinking critical, judgmental thoughts about yourself or others? Do you ever wonder how to stop judging yourself? Whether it is about our bodies, level of productivity, or decision making ability, many of us spend countless hours each day putting ourselves (and others) down. Many times these are subconscious thoughts that pass by as quickly as they came - but there are other times where we hear them loud and clear, and they can have a pretty harsh effect on our emotions.
So why do we judge ourselves so harshly? The hard truth is that we live in a culture that clearly defines things as “good” and “bad,” without a lot of gray area. For example, as adults we are expected to work certain types of jobs and make a certain amount of money to be considered “productive.” We are also expected to do very specific things to be considered “good” parents to our kids, children to our own parents, partners to whomever we have chosen to live our lives with, and community members. So, it’s no surprise that when we deviate from these social norms, we judge ourselves. We judge ourselves for not being “good enough,” and feel that we have not been “living up to” these standards set out for us.
*Ask yourself - who decided for me that there was a “right” and “wrong” way to live? Did I set these standards or were they passed down to me?
How to Stop Judging Yourself
So, you’ve noticed that you judge yourself and that it impacts you negatively - now what? I wish that there was an easy, surface-level answer that would tell you exactly how to not judge yourself (believe me, I do), but this will require going a bit deeper. Don’t freak out! It’s not as complicated as you might think, it just takes a little bit of listening.
Self-criticism and judgmental thoughts rarely come “out of nowhere.” What I mean by that is that these thoughts are typically coming from deeper down. They often come from parts of us that carry deep feelings such as shame, embarrassment, and other pain. I believe that there are a few things we can do to help us figure out where these judgmental thoughts are coming from.
4 ways to stop self-criticism
Catch the judgmental thoughts
One of the first steps to stop self-criticism is to recognize when it is actually happening. Be careful of not judging yourself for not realizing that you are being critical! We don’t need that - we just need a willingness to start paying attention to when judgmental/critical thoughts are popping up. Take the pressure off of yourself of needing to figure out what to do once you catch the thoughts, and focus on just noticing.
Start by thinking about the times in your life where you may notice you have critical thoughts - maybe around your job, parenting, or your body (as a few examples). Start to pay attention to the patterns you are noticing when it comes to these judgmental thoughts, and where they are coming up. This first step is crucial to explore more about how to stop judging yourself.
Connect with the parts that are coming up
Next - stop labeling these thoughts as negative and instead get really curious. Try asking questions like - what is going on here? Why am I having this thought right now? Is there something that is important for me to know? If it feels safe to do so, close your eyes and take a deep breath, and focus on what you are feeling within your body and/or any thoughts that are coming up.
Do this without judgment or trying to rationalize why you may or may not be feeling this way - truly just listen in. If you start to get any more information, just hear it for what it is and don’t try to push the information away. Connecting with the parts carrying these negative beliefs are a crucial step in the process of how to stop judging yourself.
Get curious about where these thoughts are coming from
Once you can really tease out what some of the judgmental thoughts are, you might be ready to dig into what the underlying narratives are that cause these thoughts to be present. Sometimes, when it comes to negative thoughts, there are parts of us that are trying to tell us a story. Perhaps you were bullied for something about your body when you were growing up and now think harsh and critical thoughts about yourself when you look in the mirror. Maybe a well-intentioned family member made a comment about your parenting and now you judge yourself when you make certain parenting decisions.
Think of negative thoughts/beliefs as the surface level issue, and the stories/narratives underneath as the bedrock that holds up those thoughts. If we just try to modify the actual thoughts, we aren’t really getting at the stuff underneath. In order to truly start to heal from these judgmental thoughts, we need to get deep into the dirt, and unearth the stories that lie beneath. This is a way to bring us more long-term relief as you figure out how to stop judging yourself.
Once you have identified the critical part and notice that there is more to the story, continue to check in and ask the important questions. What is this part worried about? Does it feel that something might happen if you didn’t criticize yourself in this way? It can also be helpful to check in about what else that part of you might want to know. Try this - once you recognize a negative thought, close your eyes and tune in with the thought (or maybe a physical symptom you are feeling in your body). Once you do, send some curiosity to that thought, and ask it (either out loud or internally) “what else do you want me to know?” Sometimes these negative thoughts come up because there are parts of us that want to be heard, and they will get louder if we don’t give them that space.
Process these thoughts
Once you have noticed, checked in with, and flushed out the judgmental thoughts, you might have been able to get in touch with parts of you carrying very specific stories. So now what? Well - this is the beginning of the work! If you have become aware of an underlying narrative or belief, you might want to try journaling to record your thoughts, or talk with a trusted friend or other support so that you can continue to process what you have learned. Sometimes this can feel hard, and that is also ok. You may have touched upon trauma from your past, and there might be a hurt part of you that needs more help and support.
It’s ok if you feel like you need additional help. It might mean reaching out a professional who can help guide you through exploring where these critical thoughts might be coming from. You are not alone in figuring out how to stop judging yourself, and you deserve to get professional guidance if needed.
If the above resonates, you might benefit from seeing a therapist who practices from an IFS (Internal Family Systems) framework, which can help you get in touch with your multiple parts (this is normal, I promise!) and the stories that they carry. If you are looking for a therapist in Florida, I am happy to help! Don’t hesitate to reach out to connect.
If you are a FL resident, you can click the button below to connect with a professional to talk more about how to stop judging yourself - you deserve more!
